A True Disaster Magnet
You know how it is when you arrive home, shattered and weary, and yearning for something comforting and familiar.
Toast, I thought. And tea. Just what the doctor ordered.
Flinging my suitcase somewhere, I made myself some tea in my favourite mug and bunged the bread in the toaster. No Marmite, which was a big of a bugger, but I had Bovril which is as good, I found the butter in the fridge – which was easy because it was the only thing in there – spread the Bovril thickly, and picked up the whole lot to make myself comfy on the sofa.
Which is where everything began to go wrong. Quite, quite wrong.
When I was a kid my mother was always shouting at me – Put it on a plate!Muttering, I would comply and put whatever it was on a plate, but now I’m nearly grown up I don’t feel the need to do as I’m told. So plate free, I headed to the sofa and things began to go wrong immediately.
I’d used sourdough bread and it had holes in it. Actually, one end was a bit mouldy so I cut that off and used the other end and it was fine, but very open textured and the Bovril fell through the holes. It’s quite runny, isn’t it? And sticky.
Anyway, I was making some notes for Peterson’s stag do – no more clues – and I laid one piece on my notebook and got stuck into the other. I’m sure it would have been delicious but at this point I noticed the Bovril falling through the bread and all down the front of me.
I thought a couple of naughty words, tried to wipe it off – which didn’t work at all because you just get Bovril over an even larger area than before – and stood up, meaning to get a cloth from the kitchen.
It was at this point I stand on the piece on the floor.
With bare feet.
Have I said how sticky Bovril is?
I have a piece of toast stuck to the bottom of my foot.
I have Bovril blobs all down my front.
My notebook is covered in Bovril and melted butter and my notes are now illegible. Sorry folks – we may have to cancel the wedding.
I’m still clutching the other piece of toast – no I don’t know why either – and there is toast and Bovril everywhere. And I do mean everywhere. Not least all over me.
I bend down to try to peel the toast off my foot – a phrase I really must try and work into one of my books at some point – and at that moment – you might want to brace yourselves here – I sneeze.
It’s not a large apartment and my overactive sinuses were on fine form. The entire wall is now pebble-dashed with half chewed toast and Bovril. I’m actually watching Michael J Fox in The Frighteners and I’m telling you his haunted walls are nothing – nothing to mine. The boy’s an amateur. Half chewed toast looks just like grave mould and I’ve managed to splatter half a ton of it all across the mantelpiece.
So – to recap. I’ve been home half an hour. I’m covered in Bovril. A large piece of toast has glued itself to my right foot. There are Bovril footprints. I’m clutching another piece which is dripping everywhere. The entire wall of my flat looks as if it’s had an ectoplasmic experience. And Peterson’s wedding will be off if I can’t retrieve at least part of my notes.
I’VE ONLY BEEN HOME FOR THIRTY MINUTES. HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?
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Readers Q&A's
Dear Jodi, you’re very bad for my vocabulary skills (as if I needed help!). I’m sitting here reading about the Ta Da! DOughnut Challenge! And looked out the window at the bird feeder. And the bird thereon. “Look!” I told my husband, “the parrots BA…..the penguin….what’s that thing that pecks at trees…the WOODPECKER’s back!!!” Thank you so much! Nothing like starting the day with cheer. Hopefully, I will now be able to speak, and maybe even remember what day this is, all day!
I don’t know bovril (American, here!) but I do know honey! I try smearing it into the peanut butter, but….it’s why I definitely can’t wear white…or even loose sleeves. They seem to attract gravy, sauce, stray coffee/tea cups…..good things tables are heavy!
From what i can recall via the distant mists of time they were called Tommee Tippee’s. Pelican style bibs for all those little food medals dripping down your front. Can’t help with the feet though. (if you manage to find one adult size do let us distracted eaters know please)
Jodi, apart from the fact that I can’t stop laughing at this, I am struck by how familiar this tale is to me.
I can barely eat anything without some of it ending up down my front, and usually spread around my environment too. Why are people like us so drawn to eating sticky gloopy foodstuffs?
I’m afraid, my dear, that you need a dog. Mine earn their keep by licking up the stickiness and crumbs that surround me on a daily basis.
Wiping round the area after they have done their job is far easier, because all the excess detritus has been licked away 😁
Dear Jodi
Your poor chest and sinuses are already compromised due to recent events. Eating mouldy bread, even with the blue bits cut off, is dangerous for your health and can make you very sick. Could you perhaps put the price of your books up by £1.00,:sure non of us would mind, and hire a nice butler or maid. Xx
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