Conversation between me and my agent. I make no comment at all.
The phone rang this morning. My agent is suggesting I write a blog.
‘But I don’t have anything to write about,’ I protest, feebly.
‘Darling – you’ve been ill. Fighting for your life.’
‘I don’t remember that.’
‘Well, that kind of makes my point, doesn’t it?’
‘But what shall I say?’
‘Anything you like, darling. Just don’t mention the mucus. That was quite unpleasant. No one wants to hear about the mucus.’
‘But …’
‘Or the hacking cough. That’s not the sort of thing people want to know either,’
‘But …’
‘Or the bit about you sneezing yourself out of bed. I mean, yes, quite funny, darling, but not, you know, terribly tasteful.’
A slight hiss as a minion opens another bottle of prosecco.
‘Or pebble dashing your laptop. Or wandering around talking to a table lamp. That sort of thing worries people, you know.’
‘Is there anything I can say?’
‘Lots, darling. Lots and lots.’
‘Such as?’
‘Tell them you’re better. Tell them you’ve stopped barking like a dog. Tell them how spectacular the cover for Doing Time is. Remind them When Did You Last See Your Father is out in September. Oh – and don’t forget Long Story Short is out later this month.’
‘I’m not sure you’ve left me much to say.’
‘Nonsense. Tell them about signing ten times your own bodyweight in books in Didcot last week.’
‘But …’
‘And that you were so stupefied that not only did you spell your own name wrong – twice – but that you signed one book “John.”’
‘Why …?’
‘Why did you do it?’
‘No – why would I tell anyone that?’
‘Human interest darling. Makes you sound like a real person rather than a snot-clogged, anti-social obsessive who can’t bear to be separated from her laptop. Oh – and don’t, whatever you do, tell anyone you coughed all over the books – so negative. Tell them about drinking wine in the sun afterwards. That’s the sort of thing a normal person would do. Good for your image. You know, more normal – less voices in your head style of thing.’
‘I don’t remember any of that.’
‘Well, you were a bit out of it at the time, darling. It was quite funny but I don’t think anyone noticed.
‘You wouldn’t like to write the blog for me, would you?’
‘Sorry darling. Prosecco to drink and royalties to gloat over. That’s my royalties – not yours. And off-shore accounts don’t manage themselves, you know. Did I tell you I’m getting a helicopter?’
‘I’m flying to Derby for the Edge Lit thing on the 13th?’
‘Don’t be silly, darling. Toodle-pip.’
16 comments
Share this
Readers Q&A's
Glad you’re feeling better. Did you get to look at the steam trains whilst in Didcot?
Will Long Story Short come out for Kindle? I only see paperback.
Loved the blog! It painted a picture of exactly who you are!
Thank goodness the world-wide prayer vigils have worked and you’re better now. Don’t think I could have stood that kind of crowd much longer. Sorry we forgot to take photos, but, really, there were millions of us. On our knees and holding candles, we prayed "Let our people go …. " What? Wait … that’s not right. scratches head Sorry — I’ve been dreaming again, haven’t I?
Oh no I am so sorry you were so ill, I am however very happy that your loads better. I LOVE your books lots so much so I am rereading them yet again. I hate it so much when the book nears the end and then I am torn , do I read fast to the end to find out how the story finishes or do I prolong the book by slowing down my reading. I really think something is wrong with me as I do this with ice cream too, I should of learnt by now that that just leaves me with cream.
Really sadly can’t wait for the next book ! Xx
Leave a comment